The below is Lesson 3 from our Leadership Lessons series.

LESSON THREE: It’s hardest at home.

KEY QUESTION: How can we, as leaders, bring our best to the people who have our best interests in mind?

If you have children, you’ll immediately resonate with the following experience:

Imagine you are out of the house with your family. Perhaps you are at church, or heading to a restaurant, or simply out for a walk in the neighborhood. A friend approaches you who knows your children. Maybe they are a teacher or a small group leader. It doesn’t matter. With all sincerity, they look you in the eye and say,

“Your children are really great.”

You look at them. Then at your kids. And back at this confused adult who must undoubtedly have you confused with another (better) family with kids.

But they mean it. They are talking to you. They have spent time with your kids outside of your home. To say it another way, they’ve spent time with your kids when your children were attempting to behave like humans in society.

At home, kids let their guard down. They remove their societal filter. But in public, they try harder to be better.

We should make two specific observations about this dynamic.

1. It’s lovely that your children behave better in public and save their eye rolls for you. It means that they feel most comfortable in your presence at home. If you have kids, celebrate that you get their worst.
2. This dynamic isn’t only reserved for your children.

If you are like every other adult (including me) in the world, our default is to put our best self forward in public spaces and make less effort at home. It’s the natural pull of humanity. We exist in so many contexts throughout the day. As I write this, I’m sitting in my office at our coffee shop as the day ends. I’ve already interacted with several employees and one of our co-owners today. I was polite and encouraging. I said “please” and “thank you.” I’m making an intentional effort to be a leader worth following.

These interactions gave way to four Zoom calls with leaders and pastors. For each call, I was on time. I was fully prepared. And I gave each person my undivided attention. They are clients who are paying me for strategic leadership consulting and coaching. They deserve my best.

After eight or nine hours of this, however, I’m tired. I’ll head home at the end of a fully present day exhausted — Exhausted from the physical and mental work and the emotional effort of leading well. This exhaustion inevitably gives way to letting down my guard at home. Just like my kids, I give my best to the world around me while saving my worst for those closest to me.

In a way, it’s a win that our children feel most comfortable with us in our homes to remove their public filters. But we aren’t children. As adults, we need to discover rhythms and routines that allow us to be at our best with those who love us the most.

To be your best at home, you must reserve your best for home.

Here are five strategies to help you reserve a portion of your best for those you love the most.

1. Protect your calendar.

Always remember that you own your time and your calendar. It’s too easy to say “yes” to every request. In my new consulting and coaching role, I tend to say “yes” to every request. Turning down any opportunity threatens my desire to eat and live indoors. I could easily spend 60 or 70 hours a week building the business, reaching out to potential clients, serving my current clients, writing content, and more. That may help my business go further, faster. It would also leave me mentally and emotionally exhausted at the end of each day. Instead, knowing my tendencies and energies, I block off time in my calendar each week to work hard and recover well.

Saying “no” now doesn’t mean saying “no” forever. Equally, saying “no” to something allows you to say “yes” to something else, like your family.

You own your calendar, so take ownership of it.

2. Know how you best recover.

Each of us replenishes differently. Several years ago, I spent time with a leadership coach who helped me understand my replenishment cycles. Leadership is exhausting and never-ending. Part of my secret to being fully present at home was learning how to replenish my soul best. For me, exercise, competition, and creative endeavors serve to refill my heart. Your list will be unique to you. Find the activities that fill your tank and build them into the natural rhythms of your life. And into your calendar!

3. Take time off.

I know, I know. You don’t have time. Well, if you don’t make time to rest, your body will force time to rest. You don’t want to find yourself experiencing burnout at work or home because you weren’t intentional with your time.

I like to think of this in quarters. Our family takes a beach vacation each summer. In the fall, we often travel for a shorter break. We don’t always take trips in each season, though. You don’t have to leave your house to be away from work.

As a business owner, I better understand this tension. In my previous job pastoring a church, time off was still tricky, but I was still paid while sitting on the beach. Owning a business is different. Especially when you are the business. Nevertheless, time off is still critical, so make time for it.

4. Limit work outside of working hours.

This one is HARD, especially with laptops and smartphones. Several years ago, my wife mentioned that I immediately open my laptop when I walk in the door after work. I resisted her comment at first, but then I realized she was right. I would leave work with unfinished business only to come home and attempt to take care of what was left undone.

There are absolutely seasons of work that require more of our time, but left unchecked, these seasons become lifestyles. The goal is to limit working outside of work to shorter seasons.

Today, I try to come home from work and immediately put my bag in the corner of the room. When I need to finish up something, I wait until later. I want to give my first moments to my family.

One more thing: I’ve also learned to ask myself, “how important is each unfinished task or project?” Most of what’s left unfinished at the end of the day can wait one more day.

5. Date your mate.

At the beginning of our marriage, a mentor advised us to go on a date once a week. I enjoy eating out, so that seemed like reasonable advice. I’m glad we did this. Now, some 26 years later, Chantel and I go on a date together nearly every Friday night. Our dates are a priority, and it helps bring the best of me to our home (and to her).

Conclusion

In my early years of leadership, it was easy to underestimate the importance of bringing my best back home. What changed my dynamic was this simple thought:

One day, somebody else will come along and have your job. But you never want anyone to come along and be a better husband to your wife or parent to your children.

I have friends who live that story every day. I know they all wish things were different. In some cases, God has redeemed and restored relationships. In other cases, God has given them a second chance. But, as the saying goes, “I’d rather just be a good husband and father than have a great testimony.”

It is hardest at home. Equally, home is what’s most important. To make our time at home less challenging, we need to bring our best to those who love us best.

How can I help?

Partnering with ministry and marketplace leaders from innovation through implementation is why I created Transformation Solutions. I’m dedicating my time to helping leaders like you discover potential problems, design strategic solutions, and deliver the preferable future.

Go right now to mytransformationsolutions.com and sign up for a free, 15-minute conversation to decide if working together works for you.